Toddlers are not for the weak - Part 2

Here’s part 2 of things you and your partner can do to prepare, not for a baby, but for a toddler. Remember to take turns so you can both experience what it’s like.

Part 1 here.

1. Make a to-do list of tasks and errands worth a full week, and try to complete it by 8.35am.
2. Ask them to do something with you and then act completely outraged about how they do it. Shout at them multiple times that they’re doing it wrong, but don’t, for a second, let them quit, make sure you bully them until they get it right. Give them clues about how to do the task but make it impossible. For example, “Can you make me a sandwich without touching the bread and while doing a handstand?”. I was actually once asked to make a snowman out of Play Doh without touching the Play Doh. True story.
3. Follow them around the house all day, don’t let them leave your sight for a second.
4. Just fall multiple times a day. Even when standing completely still.
5. Ask them 57 questions per minute. Not easy questions though, non-sense questions that have no answer, but make sure you demand one.
6. Get mad at them for anything that happens that annoys you even though they have nothing to do with it. Raining outside? Get mad at them. Your jacket is black? Their fault. They tripped in front of you? How dare they?!
7. When you see them doing something, make it as difficult as you can for them. Making dinner? Hang onto their leg like a koala. Writing an email? Press as many buttons as you can on the keyboard. Going to the bathroom? Burst in and ask them to open a chocolate bar, while standing inappropriately close.
8. Make sure they have no personal space. Poke their ear, sit on top of them, pull their hair, elbow them in the eye, cough in their face while chewing a biscuit. When you’re not doing any of those things, make sure you’re quietly standing right behind them so they can bump into you every time they turn around. Then fall dramatically and get highly offended shouting “Hey! You pushed me!”.

9. Whenever they get a snack, demand it. In fact, if you ever see them eating anything, just take it, it’s yours now.
10. Ask them to read something for you but interrupt them every 3 seconds with questions that could be answered if they just let you read it.