I visited home recently and got to spend some time with my family, who I absolutely adore and am really close to.
Whoever lives abroad knows how busy it gets when you visit home. You want to fit everyone in in the few days you’re there and want to make the most out of every single minute. I do exactly that so I’d end up staying up late every night drinking wine and chatting with whoever we’re hanging out trying to soak up every second in their company.
During this trip we talked a lot about how parenting styles have changed so much over the last years and generations. I'm 34 now (not too old yet!), but even the way we were brought up is very different from the parenting styles society is expecting our generation to use with our own children as new parents.
I’m very lucky to have awesome mums to look up to in my family: my amazing mum, first and foremost, and my granny, who raised her and my loving, fun and wonderful uncles. If that wasn’t enough, my uncles picked the most incredible women that I get to call aunties and my cousins get to call mum. I’ve always admired them all in their individuality as women and as mums, and adored them as aunties, so getting to talk to them about motherhood and parenting now that I have kids myself means a lot to me.
If there’s one thing I have learned from these late-night conversations about parenthood, is that all these amazing mums I have always looked up to shared the same feeling that, when you’re in the middle of it, you don’t always know what you’re doing, or if you’re doing it right, but you’re always trying your best for your baby. It was heart-warming to hear that the most perfect mums I know also felt guilty, tired, frustrated, lost, and confused at times, and yet also had the same feeling that they could not love their baby more.
Times have changed and parenting styles have dramatically shifted too, but the parenting goals haven’t. All we all want for our babies is for them to be happy, healthy, and independent, and to feel that we’re doing (or did) a good job at this, mistakes included. My wonderful brother, uncles, and cousins are living proof that my mum, granny, and aunties are, in fact, the best mums I’ve ever met.
During these chats we also talked about how becoming parents shifts the dynamic of the relationship and, again, I have watched these relationships grow over the years and now more than ever I can see how they all have found themselves again at the other side of parenting, when their children are grown-up and out of the house. They are still each other’s best friends, in love, and genuinely enjoy spending time together. Not only that, but, I have actually always seen them like this to be honest, I have always stared at them in awe as couples who truly loved and respected each other, and simply had the most fun together.
Sometimes I feel bad for ever thinking “once we’re over the new-born stage” or, “once they’re in Primary School”, "things will get easier and we will find some time for each other again", but isn’t that really what it’s meant to happen? The reality is that priorities do change when you become a parent. Of course, you still need to find ways to look after your relationship in the middle of it all but it does change. However, 4 and a half years into this storm, I cannot imagine anyone else I want to find at the end of this beautiful chaos that is parenthood than my husband.
I love getting out and spend time with my friends. It’s great to take a break from being asked for 15 snacks per minute, or to put Iron Man in his car for the 57th time in 3 minutes. It’s also nice to have no one ask you “How do you say arachno-sting in Spanish?” over and over again, or to "open Moana’s necklace" and tie her hair back but immediately untie it because "never mind, it doesn’t look like in the movie”. However, my absolute favourite moment from those nights out is coming back to my home, when everyone is asleep (and I didn’t have to deal with bedtime drama!), and I come in and I see their slippers in the sitting room, the messy blankets on the couch and the pizza & movie night leftovers in the kitchen.
I go upstairs and sneak into their room to watch them peacefully sleeping holding their teddies (looking like little beautiful angels!).
And then, last but not least, I get into bed next to my husband and I think I might not feel like the "perfect mum" all the time (or ever), but this moment is absolutely perfect.
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